Casual Friday (5/16/08)
It’s been a really long time since I’ve experienced “Casual Friday.” I haven’t worked in an office for a fairly long time, let alone one that celebrates Fridays so casually. At first I was downright opposed to all this kicking back/loose, but I think I’m finally starting to get used to this.
I wasn’t sure how today would pan out. When I came in all the cubes were rearranged to form a big giant cube in the middle of the building. It kind of resembled the spaceship The Borg used in Star Trek. At first I was a little hesitant to enter the OmniCube. After all, I don’t want to be turned into some freakish cyborg!! Ha ha!! But as I thought about it, aren’t we ALL already cyborgs, you know? In a way, we all have submitted to computers as our masters–we are just slaves to the microprocessor!
Anyway, inside the cube they were playing “the Chuck Norris game.” Your team sits around a circle and describes you in the same context of Chuck Norris Internet Jokes. I got the following:
“Greg Mantooth is so fuckin’ STRONG that when he farts he can kick the fart back into his stupid butt.”
“Greg Mantooth destroyed Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs because Greg Mantooth doesn’t need anything, especially motherfuckers telling him what he needs.”
“Greg Mantooth one time went to the Moon just so he can show the Earth his butt. When he showed the Earth his butt, the Earth made a “fart” sound and Venus laughed so hard it almost peed its pants!!”
“Greg Mantooth can get bit by cobras.”
It was supposed to be some sort of “team building” exercize, but it just made us all feel uncomfortable. We did something similar the first week when we all had to bring in pictures of our ex-girlfriends/boyfriends and we all had to comment on whether we would “lick it or stick it,” “Sport it, spunk it, or dump it.” The Chuck Norris thing certainly didn’t end up erupting into a half riot/orgy, but someone said next Friday we’ll all be reenacting the “Don’t Mess with Zohan” trailer so I guess this is the least of my worries.
While this bullshit was going on, I missed the big shuffleboard playoff game between HR and Accounting. These two teams hate each other! I’m hoping someone Tivo’ed the thing so I can watch it later on when everyone is taking the mandatory “shot break.” Quite frankly my stomach is not quite up to doing anymore Irish Carbombs this week.
There’s an optional “Webinar” later about hacking into the Bangbus website and leaving a bunch of “totally hilarious” reviews. I’d get in huuuuuuuuuuuge trouble if they found out I did this, but here’s the email I got about it:
By now u should all kknow about Bangbus.com. tihS totally THE best site 4 wachting slut$ get rammed by tehse GoRGANTUAN dick. cLICK hre for C1AL1S!!! run by teh bangros netwark whove also broght u MUNSTERS of DICK and BIG BALLS AT WRK (persnal fav) and GETTIN UR C0CK BLOWN IN DA STREETS and TAGJOBS and CAPN FUCKIN (erotic fanfic about 10,000 Leagues Under the Sea). We will be set up in confrence rom #3 wehre youll laenrn how 2 haxxx0r into the mainframe and were gonna post soem reaely funny shit like “u gota small dikk dude bet ur mom liks it thoguH! hahahaha!” Pleeease make sure u are on time and have ur things posted by 4:0 pm 2dayu. Take a stand and dont let teh terrists win DONT vote 4 barack “husein” OSAMA.
I just got an outlook reminder that Jamie Dixon is going to be in soon to critique our jump shots.
In other office news, I found out there is this secret society of Warzone Womyn fans. I’ve never seen any of these people before in my life. The group is a mix of dudes that kind of look like they’d be into us, total fratboys, and then a few housewives. They just found out the other day that I used to sing for them and now they WON’T shut up. Every time I walk by a cube, I hear yooour hair falls to the ground, yoooour teeth rot in your mouth. Yeah, sorry IDIOT, but it’s the other way around. This one woman keeps singing the riff to Drug Mule. I finally broke down and blurted out, “DON’T YOU REALIZE HOW FUCKING BORING THAT SONG WAS TO PLAY?” And to make matters even more annoying, they all seem to think we NEVER played. Yeah, sorry, we were together for over THREE YEARS. I think everyone in Pittsburgh had ample opportunity to see us.
Then I get this…
“Yeah, Slices are pretty cool and all, but you guys just kind of sound like an INDIE ROCK MIND ERASER.”