steel away

I’ve been working on a wildlife theme for our wood-paneled living room. It’s difficult because I don’t want to drill holes in the paneling until I know our landlady better. But that puts a cramp in my frame alignment dreams. I spray painted every picture frame I own black. Really, it’s a wonder I didn’t do this years ago. Then, I cut out pictures from my long-saved book of Michigan Wildlife Sketches. This was a thrift store find years ago, and I’ve been saving the best pictures for the right moment. I thought I was going to do some sort of cluster, but then I realized the panels would make that difficult. So I rigged up some ridiculous contraption using old shoelaces, but the way things go with this type of creativity is: the more time I spend trying to make it work, the less likely I am to like it when I’m done. So it was.

I took down all the smaller frames and just left the three uniformly sized ones. Now I’m on the hunt for a moose head, or some antlers, or something dramatic to balance the pictures. I want it to be cream-colored, or paintable. I also kind of want it to be a coat rack, but would never pay for any of these. I knew, because it is my particular doom, that Urban Outfitters would have something like what I was looking for. But I refuse. Refuse! I was thinking about this cardboard thing because I kinda like how it’s abstract. But I keep trolling Ebay. And today I found this giant wall decal:

Oh yes. That is so much better than just a pair of antlers. Though I still want something on which to hang scarves and mittens and goggles. So maybe I’ll get a cardboard one AND a decal. Maybe put the cardboard atop the decal? Grunt.

The other rustic thing I have to discuss is America’s Toughest Jobs. When I saw the preview for this new reality show, I was secretly tickled. Especially because, at the time, I was doing a theme blog for school about “dream jobs”, one of which was the topic of last nights show: crabbing. Next week they’re hauling stuff across the arctic highways in semis. It’s annoying that it’s a reality show instead of just a Studs Terkel-esque documentary of peoples’ grueling work. But I’ll settle. The characters are pretty ridiculous, but not as annoying as the ones on America’s Greatest Dog or whatever that show’s called. At least you get to watch these characters suffer real, physical pain in between the whining sessions. Grunt.

Don’t worry! Now, for all you library drones or cubicle workers accustomed to shivering away your winter work hours because of never-ending construction projects that prevent all indoor climate control, there’s a fashionable and green solution:

USB GLOVES

• Open-end design allows easy finger mobility
• Defrost your hands while gaming, typing and using the mouse
• Made of wool
• Gloves individually connect to USB ports
• 2 level heating controls
• Works with any USB port, e.g. PC, Mac, PlayStation 2 or Xbox360

from perpetualkid.com.  Also comes in pastels!

weird.

i know i like my mozart with a nice cheap beer. mmm,mm.

Saturday night I was initiated into the greater world of black t-shirts, tornado headbanging, and pyrotechnics – the world of large-scale METAL. I’ve been to small shows before, but this was my first secular “arena rock” concert. Having looked into the glowing devil eyes of a giant Nostradamus and lived to tell about it, I have some observations to share.

First of all, Motorhead’s show was pretty awful. I can easily say that dcTalk was better both times I’ve seen them. Can you believe that?! Lemmy sounded terrible. Not awesome terrible, but like “Killed by Death” is literally killing him when he wheezes his way through it. I assume Motorhead would put on a better show if they weren’t an opening band, and it would have helped if it was dark outside instead of steeped in the glow of a romantic sunset. But I just wanted Lemmy to kick around a little or at least walk with giant strides from one side of the stage to another. And it pissed me off that they used the most trite audience interaction tricks, like asking the crowd to yell and then responding “Is that it?! Is that all you got?!” Who in this day and age is actually inspired by such banter to scream again, and louder? I know, it’s part of the script. But then they took it way too far and told us Pittsburgh was the best crowd they’d played to so far. Riiiiight guys. Finally, Lemmy does this thing where he says “We’re Motorhead, and we play rock’n'roll”, by way of introducing the band. It would’ve been only mildly annoying if he hadn’t said it twice. Brain fart, I guess. So all of this was disappointing, and I began to fear for the quality of the rest of the night.

However, there was a steadily growing buzz of excitement during the breaks. As I watched all the t-shirts from past tours walking by, I was reassured that people wouldn’t keep coming to shows if they were all as boring as Motorhead’s had just been. Heaven and Hell’s stage set-up was immediately more engaging, as they were flanked by two giant (styrofoam?) trees topped with even bigger gargoyles. Plus, they played during the gloaming.

Despite these factors in their favor, I still think they would’ve been just as awesome in daylight and cotton pastel pajamas. Dio’s singing and stage presence is amazing. He is a diva of metal. Somehow he manages to come across as friendly and open, but also dramatic and engaged in the required theatrics of stage performance. Singing along with thousands of people who are bobbing their heads in unison to a plodding beat and lyrics about despair is truly medicine for the soul. So, in short, I get it. Chomper is really happy about this, for I now have a frame of reference and understanding for the most formative events of his youth. We had already established the importance of metal in our daily lives at home and work, but I needed to see it to truly comprehend.

The magnificence of Heaven and Hell (and, I must repeat, DIO) is probably what made Judas Priest seem like a shallow circus in comparison. Heaven and Hell were just dudes doing what they’ve been doing for years because they’re good at it and they enjoy it. They weren’t trying to be overly flashy about it, and they didn’t seem like they were relying on performance conventions stuck in the 80s. I’m not saying the synchronized body movements of Judas Priest’s members isn’t impressive and kind of cool. It just makes them seem too finessed for my liking. If I want synchronized male dancing I’ll watch a Bollywood movie or go see a pop star. I appreciate how awesome this stuff must’ve been back in the day, but I just thought it was kind of lame. Maybe they did something other than that later in the show; we left, so I don’t even know how their pyrotechnics compared to Heaven and Hell’s. Rob Halford’s disco ball cloak, the reverb on the vocals, the over-the-top lighting…it all made the Judas Priest experience kind of alienating. I know that level of (over)production is what people are paying for when they go to these shows, but it was too much for me. It just seemed like a silly charade.

Actually, “charade” is the word that kept popping into my head as I was watching people watch Motorhead. So many people in the crowd were reacting to it as one is supposed to react, cheering on cue, proffering numerous devil horns, etc. But since it didn’t seem that exciting to me, I began to consider whether the entire giant rock show thing is just a dumb act, in which both the bands and the audience keep playing the part that has been scripted for them as the “large concert experience” aged and became less original. Happily, at least one of the bands was able to refute my cynical musings by proving that the experience of metal is not just a fraudulent cash cow being herded from generation to generation on the (admittedly attractive) laurels of a decades-old look and sound. Within the silly glitter, blinding displays, predictable iconography, and empty ritual, there still is something awesome and real to be seen, even from a giant plastic bottle and pot-smell ridden lawn between Pittsburgh and West Virginia.

I feel like I have a responsibility to post something about this because it seems to be a hush hush topic that ladies should nevertheless be aware of so they don’t freak out when one day they are visited by…

HEMORRHOIDS.  That’s right.  I said it.

Here’s what I was surprised to learn:

It’s common for women in their 20s and 30s to get hemorrhoids, especially if they’re on birth control and/or drink alcohol frequently.  It doesn’t just happen when you get preggers.

More women get hemorrhoids than men, but no one wants to talk about that.  Perhaps we are uncomfortable telling strange doctors with probes about our anuses.

After trolling WebMD and other such sites and not finding much reassuring or clear information, I was recently sent a link to this article that explains things in a much more humorous and enlightening fashion.  So if it might be relevant to you or someone you know, there it is for your information.  I’m just sayin’.

Here’s another article from Self magazine.

Here we go again. From Advertising Age, August 11:

“We live in a world of fragmented media surrounded by cynical consumers who can spot and block an ad message from a mile away. But what Gen Xers and boomers may not realize is that the unabashed embrace of select brands by millennials, from technology to beverages to fashion, has made this decade a true golden era of marketing for those who know what they’re doing. And when it comes to marketing, the Barack Obama campaign knows what it’s doing […]

So what’s the appeal to the under-30 set? True, the youth vote traditionally skews Democratic, but the difference this year is that Mr. Obama has actually motivated turnout. His success, it seems, is a result of both product and the branding behind it. The qualities he projects — a cool, smooth aura, the communal values of hope and unity, his teeming crowds and his campaign’s seamless graphics — are the essence of appealing to millennials.”

So, as far as “capturing” voters goes, it’s more important that he projects certain values, not that he actually possess them?

Why do I keep reading Business publications? I just keep getting more amazed and horrified at what these people write. As if it’s just normal to refer to a political candidate as a product for consumption, and the dynamics of voting in an election can and should be described in basic economic terms (”either they buy it or they don’t”). I’m not saying there’s not truth to this statement. In fact I think it’s disgustingly true. Unless you know a candidate personally or have some sort of evidence-based knowledge that they’re not all talk, how do you form an impression of them? Sure, you could do research into their voting history, perhaps use your local library’s resources to try to form an opinion based on things the candidate has actually done. Or you could do something fun, like create a Dogbook account, and just let your impressions of the candidates develop on their own, based on 1. what party they’re in 2. what the media tells you 3. the “look and feel” of their campaign. The thesis of the above article is basically that “Millenials” respond more to #3 than #1 or #2. It’s just pathetic that people write about any of this as if it’s some sort of triumph. “Everything has been reduced to a commodity! It’s so much easier to interpret and exploit the world now! Go team go! We’ll be drinking some celebratory Pabst tonight!”

You’re not supporting a political candidate, you’re being a “power user and brand ambassador”?

Oh, there’s more. From this Newsweek blog:

Obama’s marketing is much more cohesive and comprehensive than anything we’ve seen before, involving fonts, logos and web design in a way that transcends the mere appropriation of commercial tactics to achieve the sort of seamless brand identity that the most up-to-date companies strive for. […]

What do you see as the “philosophical implications,” to use a highfalutin phrase, of Obama’s design choices?
There are a couple of levels. There’s the close-in parlor game you can play about what all these typefaces actually mean. Gotham was a typeface designed originally for GQ magazine, so it’s a sleek, purposefully not fancy, very straightforward, plainspoken font, but done with a great deal of elegance and taste–and drawn from very American sources, by the way. Unlike other sans serif typefaces, it’s not German, it’s not French, it’s not Swiss. It’s very American. The serif font that he often uses to write Obama is delicate and nuanced and almost, not feminine exactly, but it’s very literary-looking. It looks very conversational and pleasant, as opposed to strident and yelling. It’s a persuasive-looking font, I would say. But that’s putting these things on couches and pretending they have personalities.

An interesting comment to the post linked above:

Posted By: randall.macon (February 27, 2008 at 2:42 PM)
one important aspect of any brand that is being skipped is the overall perception from the general public. a brand is not just the visual components, it’s also the experiential components.

obama’s grassroots approach to the campaign contributes significantly to the over success of the brand and to a certain extent it is what is adding validity to the visual components of the brand.

this is both success of the brand strategy as well as a potential risk for the the campaign and candidate moving forward.

obama’s brand promise has become that of a fully engaged electorate. if there is any inconsistency during the general election with that promise or more importantly when/if he is elected he runs the risk of not only loosing the election, but also significantly damaging his political future.

“Long term loyalty to a product can only be built if the underlying product is still found to have value when it is experienced.”

Too bad you can’t just return a presidency to the customer service desk if it the parts turn out to be cheap and disfunctional. Oh, the implications of taking the humans out of everything. My brain hurts.

I’ll post something other than rants one day, I promise.

This is a very personal list because I have decided to confess some of the favorites from my youth. I had a hard time deciding which art films to include, and ended up only including the ones I would enjoy outside of a critical/scholarly atmosphere. An example of a hard choice is Daisies. I appreciate its construction and its place in history, but do I ever watch it? Nope. The following films are those that I would definitely want to watch if someone suggested an impromptu hangout. OR I wouldn’t want to watch them because of having seen them too many times already. In no particular order…

The Man from Snowy River
Star Wars
Persona
The Saint
Princess Bride
Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken
Scanners
Lord of the Rings
eXistenZ
Space Camp
Gattaca
Fight Club
Fanaa
White Christmas
Fiddler on the Roof
Footloose
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
The Scarlet Pimpernel (starring Jane Seymour)
The Birds
Dumb and Dumber
Shaun of the Dead
28 Days Later
La Femme Nikita
Breakin’
City of Women
E.T.

It’s frustrating, I know there are more….

Update: I can’t believe I forgot An Affair to Remember.

This or this?

by “worse” i don’t necessarily mean more evil, or more annoying as far as articles go.  maybe both at the same time?

One of the benefits of having a porch is familiarizing oneself with the local air traffic - both friendly and otherwise.  A few nights ago Chomper almost dropped a lit cigarette into his crotch when he noticed an illuminated object “tracing parallelograms in the sky”.  After staring at it long enough to be sure he wasn’t just seeing spots, he began to eliminate other possibilities: it (or, I should say, “they”, for there are several) are not falling stars, because you can follow their path with your eyes and they make rapid 180 degree swooping turns.  These gleaming points of light seem confined to the area above the Bloomfield baseball field, but they could be farther away.  It’s hard to tell.  Sometimes they fly parallel to one another, other times they break apart and go swirling off on their own.  Their light occasionally dims or disappears entirely, only to sprout up again in another part of the sky, nearby. They appear to be afraid of helicopters, as they dispersed after one flew by.

For a moment we entertained the idea of comets, but dismissed the idea because the erratic flight we’ve observed is only possible for two entities: remote controlled robotic birds OR bio-luminescent nocturnal pigeons.

After much debate, we think it’s the latter.  They’re not planes, for they are too close to the ground and move much too quickly.  We thought they might be something projected onto the sky - much like a Bat signal - but there’s no consistency to their patterns, and they look like single independent points flying around.  So why do we think they’re bio-luminescent nocturnal pigeons?

We have binoculars.  And we both saw wings last night.  Wings reflecting what is probably light from this billboard.  But what kind of bird or airborne reptile/marsupial has such a reflective covering that it’s bright enough to be seen from such a distance and seems to be its own source of light?  We’ve decided on this only because we have no better explanation.  Though I personally think it might be a shady CMU experiment for breeding fighting robot stealth hawks.

Has ANYONE else in the neighborhood seen anything like this?!?!

I was browsing the Web looking for something that would help me identify whether the bite I have is from a spider or some other creature of the night.  The first page that comes up for a Google search for “spider bites” is a site that looks totally illegitimate.  I passed it by for the likes of Mayo Clinic and Merck, but went back to it because it did have pictures, after all.  That’s when I realized just how ridiculous it actually is.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t it seem unlikely that this [warning: graphic content] is really the result of a brown recluse bite left unattended for nine days? And what about some of these other images?  I think someone is trying to scare the populace.  What they’re succeeding at is getting people to think whoever maintains the site is qualified to dole out medical advice.  Take a look at the comments on the site.  “My daughter has one that looks like picture 4, should she go to the doctor?”  “Hey this thing has been itching for 10 days and there’s a pus-sac shaped like a rooster inside it, should I go to the doctor?”  And this is my favorite:

“These are all really gross spider bites. When i got sent to iraq i was on a mission and out of no where i heard some type of screaming and i got bit by this huge spider and it ended up being a camel spider and i lost half of my leg!!!!! Ill send some photos later on !!!!!!!!

Thanx ur U.S. Soldier

Alicia”